Crossing the Line

It’s probably true that we’ve all been in a situation where someone else’s child is out of line, and they’re either not there or simply not doing anything about it. In fact, it tends to happen a lot around the holidays when we start visiting with family and friends who we don’t see everyday. When faced with this situation, we’re often tempted to scold the child in loco parentis – or, hey, maybe even discipline the negligent parents themselves. After all, we’d never let our kids behave like that. Which is exactly why an article in Newsweek caught my eye recently. In it, Kathleen Deveny lamented just this situation – and claims she still regrets not having taken it upon herself to say something to someone else’s child in a situation or two, rather than buying into what she calls one of society’s “parenting taboos.”

I beg to differ. In my opinion, the only time we should be disciplining another person’s child is when it’s necessary to prevent dangerous and destructive behavior. Otherwise, it’s up to the parents to set their own limits and decide what will be punished and how. Although Deveny points to a time in the mid-20th century where parents felt free to enact community discipline and yell at any and all neighborhood kid behaving inappropriately, families today have wildly different standards. Who’s to say it’s not right for a child to jump in puddles or run through the grocery store? Well, if it’s not your child, then not you.

Parents need to be consistent with their discipline without worrying how other children’s parents are treating their child, and they should feel free to set their own boundaries in their own way. The way they choose to discipline their child is, after all, no one else’s business. No matter how annoying that really loud 4-year-old in your favorite restaurant is.

Deveny also claims that too many parents today are unwilling to discipline their child – and maybe she’s got something there. In this age of spoiling our kids, trying to be their friend, and not teaching them the word ‘no,’ this is a whole different issue. Yet even if it’s the case that we are more lax with our kids than our parents were with us, it still doesn’t give someone else the right to decide what’s appropriate for our child.

And while we’ve all been in that situation where we have to bite our tongue instead of saying whatever it is we’d like to say to the offending child, many of us have also been nearby when another adult reprimanded our kid – and we probably had a few choice words in mind then, too.

Comments

[Morgan]

I work as a clerk in a grocery store, and I agree one hundred percent with Deveny. When a child is causing a disruption and the parent isn't doing anything about it, the rights of bystanders shift. It is important to be respectful of parents' rights to set their own ground rules, but it is not okay to let those rules (or lack thereof) negatively effect those around the child. And yes, I believe that a child being inappropriately loud in my favorite restaurant while a parent sits idolly by constitutes someone saying something. There's no need to be rude, and perhaps one doesn't need to directly confront the child, but a quiet word to the parents? If they get upset, take it to the manager if the child is being that bothersome. As for running through a grocery store, that's both inappropriate and unsafe. The child could go barreling around a corner only to plow into an elderly customer who doesn't have the best balance. I only raise such a scenario because I saw it occur only two days ago. There was a time when the intimidation of being told your manners by a complete stranger made kids behave better. Today they stick their tongues out at the stranger and say, "You can't tell me what to do!" Times have changed. I don't agree that they've change for the better.

[C M]

And who are you to sit and judge whether a parent is correctly disciplining their child? At one time my now 7 year old rfarely spoke or made a noise, she started making the funniest noise in a restaraunt and it was a blassing to our ears, we laughed and it was truly excellent to hear my child's voice, and you want to go say something to a parent who may have never or rarely heard the voice of their child? If you don't like the way children act, don't get yourself in situations where you will be around them! If a child is running in a grocery store, who's to say the child didn't walk until they were almost 2 (kind of like my little boy because a developmental delay) It would truly have been a blessing to see my little boy run through a grocery store at the age of 2! And you want something said to them? Until you walk a mile in a parent's shoes, don't go disciplining other people's children or saying something to their parents or harshly judging them for how they let their child act, you have no clue what they have been through! I'll say it again, if you don't like children, don't get yourself into situations to be around them, shop late at night, don't go out in public places before 9pm, it can be done, because the parent you confront may not be as nice as I have!

[Amy]

Running in a grocery store, or any store, is unacceptable behavior. It is uncivil and rude. I can't tell you how many times I've had clerks from many stores thank me for keeping my children under control. That's not to say that they've never been loud in a restaurant, or run in a store at all; I also want them to enjoy themselves. But letting your child run just to run, or use wheeled shoes in a public mall or store, is rude to other patrons of that store. It's rude to the owners and employees.
Yesterday in a store I watched a child knock over something (accidentally). The mother said, while walking away, "you pick that up", and the child not only did *not* pick it up, but defiantly kept walking. And the mother did nothing. She did not follow through. *That's* where it all breaks down. Parents say they tell their children to do one thing, but they don't follow through. Establish consequences and stick with it!

[Riva]

So, by this logic, society has no say in what they will tolerate in terms of behavior of you/ your child no matter how disruptive or destructive they might be? I'm sorry but if your delightful child chooses to make his first sound in the middle of church service or while I am dining at a nice restaurant (where civilized people don't bring their young kids to begin with) I will say something to you. I don't care about your justifications. Your rights end where mine begin. Being disruptive is out of order and selfish, and I will say something.